Posts
May Snow
6 days ago
Tuesday, March 05, 2013
I eat solids now!
Last night Sean had his first taste of rice cereal. As you can see, he enjoyed it very much!
Hanging out with Papa
Baby Sean contemplates eating his blankie while his Papa is writing a new song in the background.
Wednesday, January 02, 2013
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Monday, December 24, 2012
December 24th- Countdown to Sean's 1st Christmas!
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| "The fat man better not even think about coming down this chimney! I'm waiting for you, Mr Kringle!" |
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Friday, December 21, 2012
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Monday, December 17, 2012
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Saturday, December 15, 2012
December 15th- Countdown to Sean's 1st Christmas!
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| Sean looks like he was just told that a big guy in a beard sneaks into your house at night while you are sleeping. |
Friday, December 14, 2012
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Monday, December 10, 2012
Sunday, December 09, 2012
Saturday, December 08, 2012
Friday, December 07, 2012
Thursday, December 06, 2012
Wednesday, December 05, 2012
Tuesday, December 04, 2012
Monday, December 03, 2012
Sunday, December 02, 2012
December 2nd- Countdown to Sean's 1st Christmas!
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| What do you mean, "Only people with teeth get to eat Christmas Cookies?" |
Saturday, December 01, 2012
December 1st- Countdown to Sean's 1st Christmas!
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| December 1st- The mailman is dropping off the first boxes full of gifts. Let the countdown to Christmas begin! |
Thursday, August 02, 2012
Before heading to the chapel, here is some advice from the trenches.
I read an article the other day about newlyweds. It advised newlyweds
to seek advice from divorced people about how to make a marriage work.
This made so much sense to me! There really is no one else out there who could tell you better on what, why and how a marriage failed. Likely, if they made it as far as quitting, they spent a lot of time agonizing over all of the details of what went wrong, what they could have done better, etc etc.
Of course, as with anything, there are the exceptions to these rules, but those people are pretty obvious. The rush to the alter types usually end with several failed marriages under their belts and no wisdom to convey other than "Do not do as I do's"
(I Do's, get it? Haha! Sorry, could not help myself)
I feel like I learned a lot from my marriage and even more from my divorce. I don't mind sharing some of what I learned with the small masses that read my blog, as I think it is all useful in it's own way.
Having had a 7 year marriage and almost 16 years of an on and off relationship with one person under my belt, I feel like I have some authority on the "what not to do".
1- Be accountable. Know how to admit when you are wrong. I spent so many years with, "It wasn't me. I didn't do it" or just an excuse for everything and "Not my fault!". I have to say, that is the one thing I miss the very least about being married and am so relieved I no longer have to deal with.
If someone tries to "It's not my fault" me nowadays, I react like a person with PTSD and go to a bad place in my brain. I just want to shake them and scream, "I KNOW IT WAS YOU! JUST ADMIT IT ALREADY SO WE CAN MOVE ON!"
When you mess up, lose the remote, take a left instead of a right on the road, forget to take out the trash, forget to pay a bill, just say "I'm sorry" or "Oops!" Don't rattle off a laundry list of all of the reasons why it is not your fault, and why the other person is actually the one to blame. This goes all the way from forgot to take out the trash to serious marriage issues.
All issues take two people, but every now and then, we all mess up. Be the better person and just fess up when it is your fault.
2- Be loving. I know that the person you are with does not look like they did when they are 25 (Unless they actually are 25, then this advice is for the future married you). I know that you may even get to the point where you are sick of looking at them. But make a point of telling the person or showing them each and every day that you appreciate them and you love them.
Even when you are fighting over something stupid. It really only takes a millisecond. But I will tell you, after several years of marriage, there will be times where you could easily go three weeks without exchanging so much as a handshake and not even realize it. What you are missing when that happens is the growing rift between you, and how you are slowly getting over one another right under both of your noses.
If you let it go too long, one day you might wake up and realize that you have literally, "lost that loving feeling."
And for God's sake, whatever you do, NEVER use the Jack Nicholson quote: "Show me a beautiful woman and I will show you a man who is sick of f*cking her." That is not an point to win an argument, unless the argument you are trying to win is how to beat land speed records to divorce court.
3- Cohabitation. Live together for at least 2 years before you get married. Physically live together for at least a year before you even think about getting engaged. I don't care what anyone says, you can't really know someone, or if you can put up with that someone for the rest of your life, until you live with them for a couple of years.
When I got married, even though we had been off and on for many years and I really thought he was the great love of my life, I realize, looking back, that we never really spent a ton of time together before we got married. We saw each other all of the time, and we spent a lot of time together, but we didn't live in the same house for very long before we got hitched.
We moved in together in August, were engaged by January and married by July.
Our relationship started out as one of those most perfect long distance relationships. Where you only get to spend small chunk of time together and all of the rest of the time you spend missing each other. And then with the amount he traveled for work, we continued to spend amazing amounts of time apart when we were actually living together.
At about year three, I had the epiphany that we were a great couple when he was away because he had the long distance thing down. The sweet phone calls, the longing for, the love and misses, everything that makes up the statement "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." He was a master at the long distance thing.
But what I learned was that even though we were pros and being apart, we royally sucked at being together.
I know, it sounds backwards, but it is true.
I thought I could not know a person better after all of those years, but when we lived in the same house, I learned things I never knew, and never would have been OK with, and I am certain he would say the same about me. And it isn't even anything dramatic, it is just compatibility things that we would have figured out had we taken the time to live together!
Examples for anyone might be: how you like your house to look, how many pets you actually want in your house, do you want a TV in your bedroom, do you ever want to live in another state or city, how do you feel about the hours your partner keeps, personal hygiene, food habits, health and weight management, how loud they snore, how they spend their free time, how often either of you expect to have sex, weird kinks, how many hours a day you want the TV on, etc etc... there could be a million things you can never know about a person until you actually live with them. You may even find out they have a psychiatric disorder like BPD, BiPolar, Depression, etc, that you never would have know before you lived with them. Don't find these things out after you get married!!
4- Expectations. I'm talking the big stuff here. Children. Taxes. Money. Religion... Whatever it is that means the most to you. Make a list of your future dreams that you know you can't live without and make sure your future partner is happy and willing to go in that same direction with you, or you will have a life filled with regret to look forward to.
One of the biggest reasons I finally filed for divorce was that he promised children before we got married, which was super important to me, and what felt like minutes after we were wed, he told me what he actually said was that, "He would consider it, and he considered it and decided he didn't want any."
I made it very clear that if I were to get married, I wanted another child as it has always been my dream to actually have one baby the old fashioned way, with two parents who both wanted a child and planned it together and went through all of that fun pregnancy stuff together. When I turned 35, been married for over 5 years and saw no progress or children on the horizon and so much wasted time behind me, I thought my dream of having one more child had been killed, and I saw the assassin as the person I was married to.
By killing that dream, he killed my feelings for him and I am certain it was not because he was trying to hurt me or doing it on purpose, it was because not having children was as important to him as having them was to me.
As much as he was a disappointment to me, I am certain I was to him in this area.
Luckily, my story had a happy ending. I've won the lottery and met a man who shared the same dream before I got too old, and am now living that, but I do think about all of the people who stay married and are as miserable as I was because the person they chose to marry are the main roadblock to one of their biggest dreams.
For me, him standing in the way of my dream to be a mother one more time would have been the equivalent of me standing in the way of him making music. Unacceptable.
Make sure you know all of the answers to all of the biggest questions before you say, "I Do", because if you don't, and you get surprised with the "wrong" answer after the fact, it will ruin your whole life.
5- Get a great therapist! Love yourself, know yourself, know what you want and expect, and be honest with yourself about your own flaws before handing them to someone else to fix for you. Because no one but you is going to be able to make you a whole person. Don't go into a marriage expecting the marriage to save the relationship, or fix the parts of you that are broken. Adding the stress of marriage on top of all of the voices that are already telling you you are not good enough to be loved, will just make that manifest in your marriage.
Individuation. It is a word you will hear a lot when things start to go south. Look it up, learn it, own it, way before it becomes homework from your marriage counselor.
That is all I've got, future newlyweds, or the small corner of the internet that actually reads my blog.
I hope no one sees this as some kind of character assassination or something, I don't mean it that way at all, this is just my attempt to be as honest as possible about what I see as useful information for other people who are about to take the plunge. Learn from my mistakes as that is all history is good for.
If anyone learns from my mistakes and the years I had to suffer through unhappiness before I could come out the other side, than maybe it was a little more than wasted time.
I still love and respect my ex-husband in a lot of ways, and I hope for nothing but his future happiness. I just know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was so entirely the wrong person for me. And taking away from those years what I have, I swear they have made my new partnership stronger and more loving than anything I ever imagined possible!
Everything I ever wanted and dreamed of is coming true. I have an amazing family, I'm having the baby I always wanted, the way I always wanted, and I am with a partner who is more like me and understands me better than anyone I've ever met. I wake up happy every day instead of angry and in pain and uncertainty. I never question the love I have, because I chose wisely this time around and I chose correctly.
I don't know if I will ever marry again. Right now, it doesn't seem important to either of us at this time as we have everything we want and we've both lived through broken marriages before, and agree that the best part or those marriages were the weddings.
And anyhow, we have only lived together for 1.5 years, I'm not about to start breaking my own rules now! ;-)
This made so much sense to me! There really is no one else out there who could tell you better on what, why and how a marriage failed. Likely, if they made it as far as quitting, they spent a lot of time agonizing over all of the details of what went wrong, what they could have done better, etc etc.
Of course, as with anything, there are the exceptions to these rules, but those people are pretty obvious. The rush to the alter types usually end with several failed marriages under their belts and no wisdom to convey other than "Do not do as I do's"
(I Do's, get it? Haha! Sorry, could not help myself)
I feel like I learned a lot from my marriage and even more from my divorce. I don't mind sharing some of what I learned with the small masses that read my blog, as I think it is all useful in it's own way.
Having had a 7 year marriage and almost 16 years of an on and off relationship with one person under my belt, I feel like I have some authority on the "what not to do".
1- Be accountable. Know how to admit when you are wrong. I spent so many years with, "It wasn't me. I didn't do it" or just an excuse for everything and "Not my fault!". I have to say, that is the one thing I miss the very least about being married and am so relieved I no longer have to deal with.
If someone tries to "It's not my fault" me nowadays, I react like a person with PTSD and go to a bad place in my brain. I just want to shake them and scream, "I KNOW IT WAS YOU! JUST ADMIT IT ALREADY SO WE CAN MOVE ON!"
When you mess up, lose the remote, take a left instead of a right on the road, forget to take out the trash, forget to pay a bill, just say "I'm sorry" or "Oops!" Don't rattle off a laundry list of all of the reasons why it is not your fault, and why the other person is actually the one to blame. This goes all the way from forgot to take out the trash to serious marriage issues.
All issues take two people, but every now and then, we all mess up. Be the better person and just fess up when it is your fault.
2- Be loving. I know that the person you are with does not look like they did when they are 25 (Unless they actually are 25, then this advice is for the future married you). I know that you may even get to the point where you are sick of looking at them. But make a point of telling the person or showing them each and every day that you appreciate them and you love them.
Even when you are fighting over something stupid. It really only takes a millisecond. But I will tell you, after several years of marriage, there will be times where you could easily go three weeks without exchanging so much as a handshake and not even realize it. What you are missing when that happens is the growing rift between you, and how you are slowly getting over one another right under both of your noses.
If you let it go too long, one day you might wake up and realize that you have literally, "lost that loving feeling."
And for God's sake, whatever you do, NEVER use the Jack Nicholson quote: "Show me a beautiful woman and I will show you a man who is sick of f*cking her." That is not an point to win an argument, unless the argument you are trying to win is how to beat land speed records to divorce court.
3- Cohabitation. Live together for at least 2 years before you get married. Physically live together for at least a year before you even think about getting engaged. I don't care what anyone says, you can't really know someone, or if you can put up with that someone for the rest of your life, until you live with them for a couple of years.
When I got married, even though we had been off and on for many years and I really thought he was the great love of my life, I realize, looking back, that we never really spent a ton of time together before we got married. We saw each other all of the time, and we spent a lot of time together, but we didn't live in the same house for very long before we got hitched.
We moved in together in August, were engaged by January and married by July.
Our relationship started out as one of those most perfect long distance relationships. Where you only get to spend small chunk of time together and all of the rest of the time you spend missing each other. And then with the amount he traveled for work, we continued to spend amazing amounts of time apart when we were actually living together.
At about year three, I had the epiphany that we were a great couple when he was away because he had the long distance thing down. The sweet phone calls, the longing for, the love and misses, everything that makes up the statement "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." He was a master at the long distance thing.
But what I learned was that even though we were pros and being apart, we royally sucked at being together.
I know, it sounds backwards, but it is true.
I thought I could not know a person better after all of those years, but when we lived in the same house, I learned things I never knew, and never would have been OK with, and I am certain he would say the same about me. And it isn't even anything dramatic, it is just compatibility things that we would have figured out had we taken the time to live together!
Examples for anyone might be: how you like your house to look, how many pets you actually want in your house, do you want a TV in your bedroom, do you ever want to live in another state or city, how do you feel about the hours your partner keeps, personal hygiene, food habits, health and weight management, how loud they snore, how they spend their free time, how often either of you expect to have sex, weird kinks, how many hours a day you want the TV on, etc etc... there could be a million things you can never know about a person until you actually live with them. You may even find out they have a psychiatric disorder like BPD, BiPolar, Depression, etc, that you never would have know before you lived with them. Don't find these things out after you get married!!
4- Expectations. I'm talking the big stuff here. Children. Taxes. Money. Religion... Whatever it is that means the most to you. Make a list of your future dreams that you know you can't live without and make sure your future partner is happy and willing to go in that same direction with you, or you will have a life filled with regret to look forward to.
One of the biggest reasons I finally filed for divorce was that he promised children before we got married, which was super important to me, and what felt like minutes after we were wed, he told me what he actually said was that, "He would consider it, and he considered it and decided he didn't want any."
I made it very clear that if I were to get married, I wanted another child as it has always been my dream to actually have one baby the old fashioned way, with two parents who both wanted a child and planned it together and went through all of that fun pregnancy stuff together. When I turned 35, been married for over 5 years and saw no progress or children on the horizon and so much wasted time behind me, I thought my dream of having one more child had been killed, and I saw the assassin as the person I was married to.
By killing that dream, he killed my feelings for him and I am certain it was not because he was trying to hurt me or doing it on purpose, it was because not having children was as important to him as having them was to me.
As much as he was a disappointment to me, I am certain I was to him in this area.
Luckily, my story had a happy ending. I've won the lottery and met a man who shared the same dream before I got too old, and am now living that, but I do think about all of the people who stay married and are as miserable as I was because the person they chose to marry are the main roadblock to one of their biggest dreams.
For me, him standing in the way of my dream to be a mother one more time would have been the equivalent of me standing in the way of him making music. Unacceptable.
Make sure you know all of the answers to all of the biggest questions before you say, "I Do", because if you don't, and you get surprised with the "wrong" answer after the fact, it will ruin your whole life.
5- Get a great therapist! Love yourself, know yourself, know what you want and expect, and be honest with yourself about your own flaws before handing them to someone else to fix for you. Because no one but you is going to be able to make you a whole person. Don't go into a marriage expecting the marriage to save the relationship, or fix the parts of you that are broken. Adding the stress of marriage on top of all of the voices that are already telling you you are not good enough to be loved, will just make that manifest in your marriage.
Individuation. It is a word you will hear a lot when things start to go south. Look it up, learn it, own it, way before it becomes homework from your marriage counselor.
That is all I've got, future newlyweds, or the small corner of the internet that actually reads my blog.
I hope no one sees this as some kind of character assassination or something, I don't mean it that way at all, this is just my attempt to be as honest as possible about what I see as useful information for other people who are about to take the plunge. Learn from my mistakes as that is all history is good for.
If anyone learns from my mistakes and the years I had to suffer through unhappiness before I could come out the other side, than maybe it was a little more than wasted time.
I still love and respect my ex-husband in a lot of ways, and I hope for nothing but his future happiness. I just know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was so entirely the wrong person for me. And taking away from those years what I have, I swear they have made my new partnership stronger and more loving than anything I ever imagined possible!
Everything I ever wanted and dreamed of is coming true. I have an amazing family, I'm having the baby I always wanted, the way I always wanted, and I am with a partner who is more like me and understands me better than anyone I've ever met. I wake up happy every day instead of angry and in pain and uncertainty. I never question the love I have, because I chose wisely this time around and I chose correctly.
I don't know if I will ever marry again. Right now, it doesn't seem important to either of us at this time as we have everything we want and we've both lived through broken marriages before, and agree that the best part or those marriages were the weddings.
And anyhow, we have only lived together for 1.5 years, I'm not about to start breaking my own rules now! ;-)
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Sean Patrick - 32 weeks
Here is the most recent video of his adorable little baby face. They say he is measuring at 5lbs and the 89th percentile. They said everything is fine, mom and baby both super healthy, he is just a big baby!
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Bad Ideas- By Justin Davis & Sean P Bates at Sugarcomb Salon
My very talented boy, videos from last eve's party at Sugarcomb Salon!
Thursday, May 24, 2012
The Hunger
I've found since I've announced this pregnancy, people tend to ask me a few of the same questions over and over.
The first is always, "Is it a boy or a girl?" It is a boy.
And the second is always, "Have you had any bad symptoms?" Aside from some heartburn, I have been symptom free throughout this entire pregnancy. Not even once did I go through morning sickness, afternoon sickness, or (like with Darian) evening sickness. In fact, I was so symptom free in the beginning, I didn't really believe I was pregnant until I started showing, even after having it confirmed with an ultrasound!
And the last question is always, "Have you had any weird cravings?"
Yes I have! I've tried to pay very close attention to what my body has been wanting, and coincidentally, a lot of the cravings I've had coincide nicely with what I've been reading as far as what I need at different phases of fetal development! The body is a weird and wonderful thing when you learn to listen to it.
Months 1-2: Apples everything. Even before I knew I was pregnant, I wanted apples. I swear I could even smell them better in the store and my mouth would water. Apple pancakes, apple pie, apple and peanut butter, apple juice, etc anything apple.
Month 3: Tomatoes and avocados. I was eating them raw, with salt and pepper as a salad every day. I was in love with them! I actually became obsessed with a Ham and egg sandwich too, but soon found out that Deli meat was on the bad food list, so I had to stop eating it.
At the end of Month 3 and beginning of month 4: I started to fall madly in love with fresh pineapple hearts. I ate a lot of them. I loved the taste, the smell, I was like an animal just tearing into whole pineapples. So delicious! I was also starting to find myself falling for dairy again. Lots of milk, cheese and ice cream!! And peanut butter and jelly for breakfast almost every day. Yum!
Months 5-6: I find that there is not one thing I'm especially craving, but I have quite enjoyed very ripe kiwi fruit and fresh raspberries. I've also found myself wanting waffles quite a bit.
The strangest thing I've craved was at about 20 weeks, we were having Mexican food and Sean ordered a margarita. They brought the tequila in a sidecar for him to dump into the drink, I caught a whiff of it and for many days I found myself craving it. This is probably right when I should have known he was a boy. I don't even drink, so it was especially weird to be cravbing tequila! Needless to say, he did not get any of that!
Still waiting to see if that pickles on ice cream myth ever kicks in, but so far this child has steered away from that. I have eaten a pickle or three, but no more than the amount I eat when I'm not pregnant! Kosher Dills have always been a favorite snack of mine!
Wednesday, May 09, 2012
Dear Son, I love you.
Dear Son,
I only just found out you were a boy last week. I will admit, I was a little surprised. I never imagined having a son. Maybe it was because I've had so many wonderful little women in my adult life, and never really any little boys. Sure, a few of my friends have amazing sons, but never anyone who lives nearby enough, or that I see often enough to where I feel like I was participating regularly in their son's lives. I grew up with brothers, but raising baby boys is a mystery to me. It's an adventure I am looking forward to more and more every day.
I've been thinking a lot about the type of person you will be. Sure, there is all of the obvious stuff; will you have red hair and freckles like your dad, will you have grey eyes like your big sister, will you be super tall like my brothers... all of these things cross my mind when I imagine meeting you in a few months.
You have two big sisters who are both very excited to meet you. Darian will probably seem like another parent to you as the age difference between her and you is about the same as the age difference between she and I. She really wanted you to be a boy, because she wants to call you "little bro" and wants to teach you about video games, and comics and all of the things that are typically considered "boy stuff" that she really enjoys. I have a feeling that your relationship with her will be a lot like mine with her. She and I grew up together, and we have a very Mother/sibling type dynamic between us. Of course, yours with her will be more sibling than mother. I just see how she is with Sylvia, and how she is like a little mother, always trying to give direction and keep her on track in a positive way that only a big sister can, I can only imagine she will be the same way with you.
Then there is, Sylvia. She is much closer in age to you than Darian is. She can't wait to meet you. She asks me every week, "Is my little brother here yet?"
We told her on her birthday about you. She was over the moon. She is super excited to be a big sister. She talks to you in my belly every time she sees me. She has already offered to help with everything and wants you to sleep in her room from the day we bring you home.
I have a feeling she will also try to mother you quite a bit, like you are her own living doll. She will want to introduce you to Pokemon and play dress up with you. I think you two will have a lot of fun together.
My little man surrounded by all of these little women. I'm hoping that having all of these females around you will help you become a sensitive man, who has a real compassion and understanding of the fairer sex as an adult. I don't worry too much about that though, because your Father is amazing, and sweet, and truly a compassionate person. If you turn out anything like him, I will be so proud.
That is why I am giving you his name. I've never met a man in my whole life who is kinder or more understanding, or has taught me more about what it is to really be in love or to be loved, than your father. I could not think of any better tribute to him than to name you after him. So, when you get older, and ask why we decided to make you a Junior, I will tell you, it is because you were made out of the most real kind of love and your name is a tribute to that feeling and that connection that he and I have.
I'm still kind of walking around in a daze because of you. I've wanted you for so long, and really thought that due to turns I've taken on the road in this life, I've allowed too much time to pass to ever have you be a reality, but here you are. I never expected I'd be having you, or that you were even a possibility.
I've seen you in the ultrasounds and now I feel you kicking up a storm every day, even as I write this, you are making your presence known. You are this dream that is becoming a reality.
Since I met your dad a few years ago, this whole life with him has felt a lot like that. I've never had so much happiness in my life as I have over this last few years. And you are the cherry on top.
You have an extra special role in our family. You are the son that gives our home balance, so your dad is no longer outnumbered by little women. But more importantly, you are the brother and the son, the only person who is related to every single person in our house! We are a family created and bonded in love already, but you will be the blood bond that ties each of us to one another forever. You are the final puzzle piece that completes us and our home. You are our little miracle.
I am less scared every day about the mystery of having a boy, but I am certain I will make mistakes as all parents do. If there were just one thing I would want you to know from now until always, is that you are wanted and that you are special and that you are so very loved already.
Love,
Mom
 |
| 22 Weeks |
I only just found out you were a boy last week. I will admit, I was a little surprised. I never imagined having a son. Maybe it was because I've had so many wonderful little women in my adult life, and never really any little boys. Sure, a few of my friends have amazing sons, but never anyone who lives nearby enough, or that I see often enough to where I feel like I was participating regularly in their son's lives. I grew up with brothers, but raising baby boys is a mystery to me. It's an adventure I am looking forward to more and more every day.
I've been thinking a lot about the type of person you will be. Sure, there is all of the obvious stuff; will you have red hair and freckles like your dad, will you have grey eyes like your big sister, will you be super tall like my brothers... all of these things cross my mind when I imagine meeting you in a few months.
You have two big sisters who are both very excited to meet you. Darian will probably seem like another parent to you as the age difference between her and you is about the same as the age difference between she and I. She really wanted you to be a boy, because she wants to call you "little bro" and wants to teach you about video games, and comics and all of the things that are typically considered "boy stuff" that she really enjoys. I have a feeling that your relationship with her will be a lot like mine with her. She and I grew up together, and we have a very Mother/sibling type dynamic between us. Of course, yours with her will be more sibling than mother. I just see how she is with Sylvia, and how she is like a little mother, always trying to give direction and keep her on track in a positive way that only a big sister can, I can only imagine she will be the same way with you.
Then there is, Sylvia. She is much closer in age to you than Darian is. She can't wait to meet you. She asks me every week, "Is my little brother here yet?"
We told her on her birthday about you. She was over the moon. She is super excited to be a big sister. She talks to you in my belly every time she sees me. She has already offered to help with everything and wants you to sleep in her room from the day we bring you home.
I have a feeling she will also try to mother you quite a bit, like you are her own living doll. She will want to introduce you to Pokemon and play dress up with you. I think you two will have a lot of fun together.
My little man surrounded by all of these little women. I'm hoping that having all of these females around you will help you become a sensitive man, who has a real compassion and understanding of the fairer sex as an adult. I don't worry too much about that though, because your Father is amazing, and sweet, and truly a compassionate person. If you turn out anything like him, I will be so proud.
That is why I am giving you his name. I've never met a man in my whole life who is kinder or more understanding, or has taught me more about what it is to really be in love or to be loved, than your father. I could not think of any better tribute to him than to name you after him. So, when you get older, and ask why we decided to make you a Junior, I will tell you, it is because you were made out of the most real kind of love and your name is a tribute to that feeling and that connection that he and I have.
I'm still kind of walking around in a daze because of you. I've wanted you for so long, and really thought that due to turns I've taken on the road in this life, I've allowed too much time to pass to ever have you be a reality, but here you are. I never expected I'd be having you, or that you were even a possibility.
I've seen you in the ultrasounds and now I feel you kicking up a storm every day, even as I write this, you are making your presence known. You are this dream that is becoming a reality.
Since I met your dad a few years ago, this whole life with him has felt a lot like that. I've never had so much happiness in my life as I have over this last few years. And you are the cherry on top.
You have an extra special role in our family. You are the son that gives our home balance, so your dad is no longer outnumbered by little women. But more importantly, you are the brother and the son, the only person who is related to every single person in our house! We are a family created and bonded in love already, but you will be the blood bond that ties each of us to one another forever. You are the final puzzle piece that completes us and our home. You are our little miracle.
I am less scared every day about the mystery of having a boy, but I am certain I will make mistakes as all parents do. If there were just one thing I would want you to know from now until always, is that you are wanted and that you are special and that you are so very loved already.
Love,
Mom
Monday, April 23, 2012
Sean Patrick
Thursday, March 01, 2012
Stop Walking On Eggshells
For a while now, I've been dealing with a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder, on a fairly regular basis. I didn't really know much about the disorder until last year when the roller-coaster of drama really began.Me, being the avid researcher I am, wanted to learn as much as I could about the disorder, to see if there was any logical way to deal with her as this is a person that, like it or not, I have to deal with.
The more I learned about the disorder, the less positive I felt about the situation, as there is very little that can be done to help the borderline person. In fact, I've learned that most borderlines don't even know that they are disordered, or they feel like it is everyone else around them that is disordered and they are the only "sane" one.
Here is a handy list of signs you might be dealing with a BPD:
A person with this disorder will also often exhibit impulsive behaviors and have a majority of the following symptoms:
- Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
- A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
- Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
- Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving,binge eating)
- Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
- Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
- Chronic feelings of emptiness
- Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
- Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptom
You can click here to read the entire article with more explanations. This is just one of many articles you can find out there with similar information.In my research I've come across some very helpful and insightful books, but I think the very best books on dealing with someone with BPD are the ones by author Randi Kreger. This one in particular: The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder has been especially useful and full of tips on how to deal with the BPD person.In many ways, reading it was frightening, because it was like pulling back the curtain of mystery as to why she constantly acts so crazy and unstable. And then, there is that almost heartbreaking moment when you realize there is little to nothing that can ever be done to make things better.The most consistent advice for dealing with a BPD is to go no contact with them. As in, there is really no good way to deal with a person with this disorder.These people will always cycle through friends, and find themselves at odds with everyone at some point. They "paint people black" who just a week ago they put up on a pedestal. They are always fighting imagined threats, always thinking people are out to get them, take things from them, talking about them behind their backs, or going to abandon them.They live in these fantasy worlds where they are the victim and often times will regularly abuse the legal system by filing false restraining orders and claiming things like domestic abuse when in fact they themselves are the abusers.They are the mothers with Munchhausen syndrome who are constantly eating up the attention of ERs from having "sick" children, and the attention seekers who tell so many lies about their "hard life" and how everyone has abused them that they actually begin to believe their own lies and gain sympathy and help from soft hearted people who want to do the right thing.And then, when everything unravels, and the people who have been helping them, start to realize the actual truth about them, and who they are actually dealing with, they will turn on those people too. And the cycle of abuse starts all over again and again and again with new people.The more I've learned about BPD, the better I can recognize the signs of it and protect myself from the person with it who has directed her rage at me on more than one occasion. I've been lucky to not have too many experiences with it. I would not wish this disorder or a person in your life with this disorder on anyone.I wish there was more research into this disorder, and more doctors that are willing to even treat people with BPD out there. (In my research, I found that many doctors will not even treat the "un-treatable BPD patient" as they are too difficult to deal with and too little can be done and they cause such a strain on the physicians. many insurance companies will not pay for treatment of BPD either, so many doctors are unwilling to even diagnose it.) It is the worst of the worst of psychological disorders, because really, not a whole lot can be done to help them.I feel for every person who has BPD and who has a BPD person in their lives. I really do. I wish there was more that could be done, but after much research, and hearing the stories of so many people around the world who have had nearly the exact same experiences with the BPD in their life, I've begun to realize that it is largely viewed as a pretty hopeless condition.It is crazy reading the shared stories, it is sometimes like they have a camera in my world and are reporting blow by blow what she will do next. In a weird way, I find comfort in this, knowing that it is for certain nothing I have done or could have avoided, as her nastiness, negativity, anger, and lies, are all really just symptoms of a very nasty disease.I've come to feel very sorry for her and feel the only thing I can do to fight the disease is to help educate more people about it. You say, Borderline Personality Disorder, to most people and they have no idea what you are talking about. That is why I wrote this blog. Maybe someone out there will come across it someday and find the answers I found myself looking for over a year ago when I was hurt and confused and frustrated by the actions of this highly disordered person.It also helps me when dealing with my own frustrations with her. It helps remind me that she is a very sick person, and I should only feel sorry for her, not be angry with her, as she probably has no idea just how very sick and hurtful she really is. She is so blinded by her own inner rage that she is blind to her rages.It must be absolute torture to wake up in her skin every single day. I would not wish that on anyone.
Friday, February 17, 2012
You give love a bad name...
Man, there is nothing that gets me more riled up than women who do things that make the rest of us ladies look bad. Excuse me while I prepare to get up on my soapbox for a few minutes, but I need to get this off of my chest.
1- The Girl Who Cried Wolf: You have all met her at least once in high school, and some of us have had the unfortunate luck to meet her in our adult life as well. You know the girl. The one who got drunk at the party and cheated on her boyfriend and then sobered up, felt bad about it and claimed it was non-consensual. Don't get me wrong, date rape is real, and so is domestic violence, but there are women who totally take advantage of these laws when they are not victims. In fact they use these laws that were set up to protect women, and try to victimize men with them when they are feeling like they are not getting their way.
I can't tell you how many stories I've heard of women going into jealous rages, throwing things at their boyfriends, having a full scale out of control tantrum, screaming at them and carrying on, and then, if he responds with one negative word, she dials up to the police and claims she is the victim. By taking advantage of these laws in this way, these women are basically directly abusing the women these laws were set up to protect. The girls who cry wolf and clog up the legal system with false accusations are worst than the real abusers and rapists, because their lies are making it easier for the actual criminals to get away with it. You disgust me.
2- "Don't blame me, it is in my blood. I'm just a fiery..."- I don't care what culture you come from, it is not an excuse to act like a jackass. I hear too many women use that as an excuse to justify their poor behavior.
No, it is not because you are a fiery Brazilian, Italian, Latina, Redhead, New Yorker, etc etc, it is because you are an immature jerk and you have no manners. You need therapy, not excuses. You can be passionate, and have a lot of fire, but that does not translate to an excuse for bad behavior. Pouting and tantrums are for two year olds, not for grown women. Grow up and quit insulting the proud ladies from your entire culture by trying to use them as an excuse.
3- "But he has so much potential."- Smart, attractive women who meet the biggest jerk in the world and allow him to treat her like a cheap Ikea Doormat. All with the excuse of, "But in the beginning he was soooooooo great!"
Listen ladies, any guy can be charming for a short period of time. It is called the Honeymoon period. Hell, I bet even some of the worlds worst criminals and dictators could probably have been charming for 3 weeks. So many women waste years and years trying to recapture those first three weeks.
Here is the deal, if you have had more than three major fights and broken up AT ALL in the first 9 months of your relationship, your relationship is doomed to fail, please just do everyone a favor and move on and quit whining to your girlfriends about it. We don't want to hear it. Because we all know what you are too blind to accept, you guys suck together, and we are all just waiting for you to break up for good.
4- The "I'm so wasted" mating call- Luckily, I have not met one of these in my group of friends in years and years, but whenever I go to a rock show, there is always one slumping around the bar. This is the girl who goes out of her way to get as wasted as quickly as humanly possible and then starts hanging all over everyone within arms reach. She is too loud, her lipstick is smeared and she laughs at all of her own jokes. There are usually a slew of creeps helping hold her up and she is making out with just about everyone. If she doesn't end up going home with someone that night, she can usually be found sprawled across the floor of the one working bathroom stall in the ladies room.
5- The Golden Uterus- This is the mother of all evil. I only found this term this last year. I have known these women exist, and have seen them a million times, but I had no idea there is actually a term that describes their abusive bad parenting so perfectly.
Women who have babies so they have a man to pay their way for the next 18 years.
I have never gone after child support. I raised my kid without expecting anything from anyone for the last 17 years and have never regretted it. When I see these women who put themselves before their children, who think that having a baby is tantamount to a free ride and an excuse not to work, they sicken me. This article pretty much says it all.
These women are the reason 20 year old men are rushing out to get a vasectomy, and I do not blame them.
Thursday, January 05, 2012
Art show happening right now!
Here are some of the new pieces as well as a cute picture of Sylvia helping show my work!
More about the show HERE
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Sliding Doors
“Wherever we are now is just a step on the way to somewhere else. Whatever we do and however well we do it, it is only a preparation to do something else, something different than what we are doing at this moment.”-Robert Louis Stevenson
No matter what you believe about fate, destiny, a bigger plan, or if you believe we just happen to exist and whatever will be will be, you must agree that life is fascinating!
The most important players on the stage of my life have all entered and exited throughout the years as if on cue. Sometimes going on nothing more than a gut instinct, I've made major life decisions, and I must admit, I am generally pleased with the outcome.
There has been a lot of change in my world over the last year. The most simplified version of the story goes like this: I got divorced, I met a man, I fell in love, I am very happy.
In some ways, even that story seems too intimate to share with all of the internet, but I feel that if I do not ever address it in any way, I will never be able to go back to the open dialog you have all come to expect from me over the years.
The story I came to share today is one of fate, destiny, or maybe it is just a story of random coincidence? I don't know, but it fascinates me nonetheless, and fills my brain full of romantic ideas and what-might-have-been's.
I will preface this story by telling you that I have always been a strong believer in life finding a way to direct you. If I feel like I am running into one road block after another and the universe is seemingly against me, I know I have veered off course. When I am on the right course, it seems like roadblocks no longer matter and things fall neatly into place.
Ten years ago I was sitting at a table at The Showbox having dinner and celebrating the holidays. The bands due to play that night were bands that my ex boyfriend played in (who turned out to be my future husband). I sat at the table with my then fiance (who I didn't end up marrying) to my right and a newly engaged lady to my left. Next to her was her fiance. Since we were both newly engaged, we spent a large portion of dinner chatting about wedding plans and ideas that we had. We were two young, happy girls, newly engaged and in love. It was a fun night! I was likely introduced to her fiance, but I don't really remember meeting him. I mostly remember talking to her about plans, and weddings, and being a little nervous about seeing Jon play after so much time had passed.
The girl eventually married her fiance, but I didn't marry mine. (Mine eventually met and married a woman who I have a lot of respect for and could not imagine anyone better suited for him. I am so happy they found each other!) I eventually reconnected with and married the ex who was playing on stage that night. I don't recall ever meeting the girl or her fiance again over the next many years.
I had no idea how significant that night was until now.
That night, sitting two seats over from me, was the man I am with now. The woman I spent the evening speaking to was the woman he married and eventually divorced. In those next ten years we have lived this parallel life, never meeting, but many times standing in the same room at the same show, we shared some of the same best friends, worked blocks from each other for years, but somehow never crossed paths until we were both single again. There were so many times we almost met had just one small act been altered, one different decision made.
The more I know him, the more stories we share, the more we find just how much our lives have been intertwined over this last ten years.
Since we met, things have become so easy. My career has taken off, my art has become more focused, my general level of happiness has greatly improved. I feel lighter and unburdened in a way I didn't think possible. Life is really very good. I am exactly where I am supposed to be, I am sure of it.
I've talked a lot about love and fate and destiny over the years, on the pages of this blog. I've shared my stories of how I've followed my heart and where it has lead me. I have lived some wonderful romantic real life fairy tales, and I am not trying to lessen those experience because I have a new, wonderful love.
Those stories were real, and perfect and tragic, and everything else you can think of. But what I have learned is that life doesn't stop once you are settled down. As long as you are breathing, you are growing and evolving as a person, and sometimes that means moving on from one thing and on to something new.
The past was just a chapter in my personal story, and I fully intend on embracing all of these future chapters with an open mind and heart, and a head full of wisdom collected from the past.
There are so many opportunities to love and live and find happiness given to us in this life. Our only job is to keep an open mind and heart, learn what there is to learn, embrace those opportunities and allow ourselves to live fully without regret.
Life is too short for anything else.
Saturday, August 06, 2011
Dear Daughter,
As we approach the end of the second to last Summer of your childhood, I've had a lot of time to reflect on the last 17 years.
The Summer I was pregnant with you there was record heat in Seattle. It was miserably hot. I was working two jobs at two fast food chains, from 7AM to 9PM every day and only making $6.75 per hour. I remember days where my feet were so swollen after being on them all day, and it being so hot and me being so pregnant, that I could barely get my shoes off.
I remember turning 20 that August before you were born and being grateful I was no longer a pregnant teenager. I remember thinking that 20 sounded so much older and more grown up that 19, and for whatever reason, this small change gave me comfort that I was going to be OK. That WE were going to be OK.
And we were...
Now I have the advantage of reflection. You are nearly an adult, I've raised you the best that I can, and now I am reaping the rewards of a job well done.
No, I don't think I didn't make mistakes. Those are things that are most glaringly obvious to me in my reflections. If I were to go back and change anything, it would be the following:
I would have given you chores. I just wanted to enjoy you so much, and for so long I was just a child myself, so it seemed somehow "mean" to make you work. But now I think I did you a disservice by not making you clean your room or making you do the dishes, because I didn't make these things second nature to you. Now you will have to learn to do these things, just like I did, when you have your own household someday. (My other option being that I can buy you a lifetime of maid service. I guess we will see how that one pans out.)
I would have let you experiment with your clothes and hair more as a child. When other kids were showing up mismatched and with bed head to the 3rd grade, I made sure you always had a perfectly matched outfit and pretty hair. I was trying to give you what I didn't have growing up. When I was a child, I was always envious of those girls who came to school every day looking all pulled together. After a childhood full of brothers and ill fitted little boy hand-me-downs, I just wanted you to be the pretty little princess that the little girl in me had always wished she could be. By doing all of this for you, I feel I didn't give you a chance to experiment with your own sense of style, and now you prefer to keep it as simple as possible. Which, I guess in a way is your style, but I still feel like I should have given you that opportunity.
But those are simple things. Those are things that if you had been raised by two parents in a house, with a yard, and a white picket fence, you might have learned. But if those are the only things that I look back on and think that I have somehow failed you, then I feel like I've succeeded, and I have faith that those struggles will be simple things for you to deal with in the coming years. (Worst case scenario, when your house is a mess and you feel overwhelmed, you may feel free to blame mom for always doing everything for you, or call her and she will come take care of it for you!)
We have succeeded in more ways than I can count. You, my sweet, wonderful, most brilliant little girl, are the best daughter a mom could ever ask for. You, who still holds my hand in public, who has never told me you hated me, who tells people I am your best friend, who never went through a boy crazy phase, or a "mom knows nothing" phase, or an experimental drinking/drugs/sex phase, who isn't embarrassed to introduce me to her friends, and who never had a public temper tantrum and needed to be carried out of a store kicking and screaming. You, my beautiful little girl, have been a pleasure to both raise and to grow up with.
You have this amazing and strong mind that surprises me a little every day. You are stronger and smarter when it comes to matters of the heart than I ever was. It took me nearly 35 years to get that wisdom that seems to come so effortlessly to you. I'm certain you have taught me as much as I have taught you.
You don't put up with BS, you speak your mind in a way that is strong and concise but not mean. You know how to be empathetic without getting overly involved.
You have the most amazing ability to never let drama stick to you and to walk away from bad situations and make good choices. You have never battled with addiction or drug abuse or peer pressure.
You have never given in to the cast system that seems to plague so many high schools. Cliques and popularity have never meant anything to you and you have a healthy group of smart and interesting friends.
You can walk up on a stage and let your freak flag fly unapologetically in a way that I could never and still cannot do.
You are your own person, who knows your own mind, and who carries herself with a lot of grace and maturity that most teenagers (and most adults) do not possess.
My sweet little girl, I am so happy I am your mother. I am so proud of who you have become. I have loved every minute of watching you grow up and I love and respect the adult person you are becoming.
I have only the following wishes/advice for you:
1- Be strong, but don't be jaded.
2- Love someone with your whole heart at least once. If he breaks your heart, don't let it break you. If/when the time comes to walk away, do it with grace and don't be afraid to love again.
3- Choose your friends carefully, they become your family when you are older.
4- Don't ever be petty.
5- Choose very carefully what you want to do for the rest of your life. Take your time, don't rush into anything.
6- Don't grow up too fast. Enjoy every phase of life, they all fly by and you will miss them when they are gone.
7- Always know that you are loved more than anything else in this whole wide world.
and the most important rule of them all,
8- Always listen to your mother. (Or at least pretend that you are.)
Love,
Mom
Saturday, July 09, 2011
Mailman thinks me dumb
Please check out this new Elliott Smith song that I've been listening to all morning long on repeat.
It reminds me of why we create art, music, children... it leaves echos of us behind after we are long gone from this place.
In that instance when you hear an unreleased Elliott Smith song, are standing in front of a Picasso, watching a movie starring River Phoenix, or see your daughter smile in a way that looks exactly like your grandma whose smiles you miss so much, those are the moments where we are immortal.
This is what drives us to create.
This is why we are artists.
It is not the only reason, and probably not a reason we would typically, openly consider. It is that quiet push that makes you pick up the guitar suddenly and strum a series of chords, and not stop until you have an entire song completed. It is what makes you fill a blank canvas, spilling all of your emotions of that very moment all over it in a series of colors and shapes.
We are recording pieces of us in a moment. Capturing who we are right now because we will never be that person again.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Sugarcomb Salon - Katrina Kromm
I did a photo shoot and created this little web ad for my friend, Katrina at Sugarcomb. You should go see her. Ask her about her Facebook special this week! You will be happy you did!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Crazytown
"Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were."
---Cherie Carter-Scott
I saw this quote and it really resonated with me. I've been witness to some pretty horrible behavior over the last month and it was hard for me not to be angry with the person responsible. When you see someone you care about being put through the ringer by someone who is clearly suffering from some kind of mental disorder, all you want to do is grab them and shake them and ask them, "Why are you so very crazy? Can't you see what you are doing here?"
But the reality is, arguing with the crazy people of the world will only leave you frustrated. The truly messed up will never realize that they have only themselves to blame for their own problems no matter how many fingers they point.
Saturday, March 05, 2011
Time.
On my drive home from work today, I was stuck in traffic, watching the light in front of my car changing again and again, moving approximately one car space forward at every interval. I started thinking how familiar this felt to me. I realized there are huge spans of time in my past where my life felt exactly like this.
It is only when I’m carving my own path, choosing my own roads, and not following someone else’s ideas of who/what I should be or be doing, that I don’t feel like I am at a standstill. I am not waiting on some outside influence to tell me when it is OK to move forward.
I love being my own person. I will never take that for granted again.
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