Welcome to wonderland...

I just returned to my mom's place after visiting the house I grew up in.
It is a place I think about often and it tends to be the backdrop of many of my dreams.

I meant to just swing by and snap a few photos of the outside but a sweet little girl was outside. She could not have been any older than I was when we first started to build the house so many years ago.
I didn't think I would see anyone outside seeing as it was well past 10PM when we went by there, but there she was, hanging out as if she was waiting for me. She came right over to me and started chatting like we were old pals. I told her that it was my house when I was her age and that my family actually built it from the ground up. She seemed to find this all very interesting. Eventually her older sister came out, we all chatted and they invited us in to take a look around.

There were some very noticeable changes. For instance my bedroom is no longer a bedroom. They knocked out the wall, lined it with wood and turned it into what looks like a bar/music/piano area. In some ways I am happy that it isn't a bedroom any longer. I am happy that someone is spending time where I went through all of my teen craziness playing music and drinking beer and chilling out. It seems appropriate.

There were other changes too. Walls had been painted different colors, the kitchen had been changed around a bit.

Some things were exactly the same, and when I focused on those things it was like I never left all those years ago.

The new owners said that they just bought it about a year before and now their family may be going through a divorce as well so they will probably sell it. It seems the house has been through a few families now. They said they can tell that someone used to really love it, but it has changed hands so many times now, everyone has left their mark. Now it seems a little like a puzzle with missing pieces.

When we were leaving, the little girl walked us out to the car and she even held my hand when we were saying goodbye. It was very sweet. I told her how when I was her age I had written all sorts of poetry all over the inside of the walls of the room that used to be my bedroom. I told her if they ever took down the wall they would find all of the secrets I stashed in there before the walls were built up around them. I even have a time capsule buried in the main wall of my old room. In the time capsule I wrote a letter to a "little girl in the future" thinking that it would be a hundred years from then when it was found and a kid like me would find it. She thought that was pretty cool.

Darian caught her first fish!

And it is a record size! The captain said he has never seen a Ling Cod this big before, they are usually under 10-25 lbs. Darian's was almost 70lbs!

Alaska: Where the Odds are good but the goods are odd...

As of right now I am on vacation.

Every now and then go away, have a little relaxation, for when you come back to your work your judgment will be surer. Go some distance away because then the work appears smaller and more of it can be taken in at a glance and a lack of harmony and proportion is more readily seen. -Leonardo Da Vinci

The other shoe

Many years ago I started a band with a guy I was dating at the time. The band was called Dear John Letters. Basically he would write songs and I would write the lyrics. At first it was just for fun, eventually it evolved into an actual band, we even got a few great reviews and sold a couple records.
The first record was by far the best because when we made it we had no agenda. It was natural and organic and I think that is what appealed to people who liked it. (The photo to the left is the first cover. It is a photo of my mother and I.)

I still get letters from people, mostly women, all these years later. They tell me stories about how they found Rewriting the Wrongs and listened to certain songs over and over again while going through bad breakups. They thank me for writing words that really summed up or tapped into how they feel. The irony to me is the one song that comes up the most is the one song I didn't write about a relationship.

This song is probably the one thing that I ever had a part of that was dripping with hate and disdain. I can't say I have ever felt this sort of hatred for anyone I have ever cared about and to think that people out there do feel that way surprises me a little. Today I received another email from a woman who told me that after her marriage broke up she listened to this song called The Other Shoe over and over again and it helped her somehow. I am happy that something written from such a dark place is doing positive things. I personally can't listen to this song without getting upset.

I wrote the song in question about child abuse and how little the legal system really does to punish abusers. It was written from the perspective of anyone who has ever been hurt by these people. Anyone who has ever felt like justice was not served and who has considered taking things into their own hands to get justice only to feel powerless and helpless knowing the law actually protects these people who harm children. It was born from a place of hope that the old saying "What goes around comes around." really holds some truth.


The Other Shoe

Divine creatures
My brothers and sisters
We pay for yesterday
We pay our dues
Kept secrets of hate
Died
Vowing revenge
Waking with new eyes
The most extreme change of perception is to be
The other shoe
When it all comes down again
I am happier to know that someday
You will hurt like me

I'm so proud!

Look at what my lovely daughter did! She is so talented. She drew it, scanned it in and then worked on it with photoshop. I think she actually knows how to use my computer better than me at this point!

Bad poetry born of sleep deprivation

Let my heart remember
with fingertip minds.
Every detail drawn
-how you drew your words-
on this canvas skin.

All of our worlds collide in a moment.

It passes.
-nothing gained, shaken or stirred-
everything changed

Your slumber is so deep
it's contagious.

To know your weaknesses is to understand your enemy.

Wow, it just occurred to me that both my 2nd wedding anniversary and my birthday are creeping up on me in the next 5 weeks. Crazy!

This year really flew by. It certainly had it's ups and downs, but I don't regret a minute of it.

I really feel like I learned a lot this year. The year seemed to have a theme that revolved around human relationships. I'm not only talking about the type of relationship that happens between lovers. I am talking about the interpersonal relationships we all face in our day to day lives including those we have with our partners. They all feed on each other, help each other along or help tear each other down.

I have witnessed first hand how people can have a profound effect on one another without even realizing it. A stranger could change your life and never know they had an effect. An offhand comment from a friend could shake you to your core. A deception could change how you look at everything and everyone for the rest of your life. And the things good people will do out of pure loneliness will never cease to amaze me.

Also, being constantly surrounded by preteens and brand new teenagers, I have seen first hand a lot of "mean girl drama" as the peer groups get older and start jockeying for position in their social circles. Woman can be the most vicious of the species and don't you ever forget it! I still love them and I am proud to be one, but I sometimes think we could learn a thing or two about the art of "letting things go" from our male counterparts.

What I have found most amusing is that if you don't choose your friends wisely as an adult, you may never get out of those adolescent type of relationships. You will see it in your friendships, in your place of business and even with your spouse if you remain competitive at all. That is no way to live your life.

This year I have done a lot of observing and mental note taking. I am an observer at the core. I love life and I really do take full advantage of living every chance I get but in this life I have always been the Observer in Participants clothes. It is just who I am. I was born with an insatiable curiosity. I like to pick things apart to see just what makes them work, including people and personalities. I have no doubt it is one of my greatest strengths and one of my biggest character flaws.

I think much of what I have learned about people this year will still come into play many years from now.

I guess what I am trying to say is that it was a very productive year.



"Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe."
-Dorothy Parker

We used to dream big, Now we cry quietly

Since on the subject of yearbooks Cricri sent me this video for The Connels song '74-'75

Wow. Speechless!

I figure fair's fair!

Since they thought it was really funny to pick on my photos from the 90's I thought I would also share a photo of them in the 90's. Oh yes, I am one of THOSE moms....

This one's for you Kelsea & Darian:

I love the 90's...

My daughter and her friend were going through my old yearbook tonight. They were really getting a kick out of what I was up to when I was their age. If you have not read the things people wrote to you 15 years ago you really should. I forgot how silly we were! I am totally bringing the phrase "Scamming on guys" back!
So here they are in all their glory.
My senior photo is on this page (and the last time I recall having my natural hair color!):

and the senior page:

Yes that was my bedroom with the Cory's on the wall, a Gleaming the Cube, Depeche Mode, The Smiths, Madonna and various other posters plastering my wall and more. Oh and you didn't know that Edward Scissorhands was my boyfriend? A serious "Oh my Goth moment" fo sho. It also blows my mind that I had a baby not too long after these photos were taken! Yeep!

poor misguided youth :-)

Feel free to make fun of me, the kids were relentless this evening! It's OK I can take it!

I'm a little teacup...

A Poem I wrote in 2003:

I look at the delicate teacup
Small and fragile like I imagine
the little old ladies were
who drank from it so long ago

A thing so delicate and slight that it seems it could float away like a feather on a breeze.

Tiny rose buds sprinkled all along the silver lined edges.
The bone china handle molded into meticulous ruffles and swirls

I run my fingers over the waves
down the side
around the lip
Delighting in the silky edges
Cold and smooth to the touch

With the slightest flip of my wrist
it falls hard and fast
and crashes to the ground
leaving nothing there
but shards and powder and pieces
of something that was once
so faultless and beautiful

Sharp jagged edges
Looking to inflict it's pain on the trespasser
who committed such an atrocity to something so beautiful

It is showing it's teeth
proving that no matter how lovely and harmless something seems
With the right motivation
even the simple teacup
has teeth

I look at the pieces
all sprawled out in front of me
begging me to pick them up
and try to rebuild them
To touch them so they have a chance to draw blood

I imagine putting it back together like a crude jigsaw puzzle
Piece by piece

Rebuilding that fine handle and it's swirls and waves
that delicate silver lip

Even if I could rebuild it
it would have lines and scars and would never again be able to
serve the purpose it was born to serve

I would never again be able to bring it to my lips with steaming liquid
because the tea would always spill through the jagged scars
on the cup and burn my skin

The new rough edges would surely mutilate my mouth on contact
my blood dotting the china along side the delicate painted rose buds

No matter how harmless
or how much it was loved
now that it has been pushed over the edge
it can never again be
what it once was
before it fell
and was crushed by a simple cruelty

Fun with photos

I had fun taking pictures this weekend. I need to rally some of my friends to let me take pictures of them. It's much easier taking photos of other people than setting up shots on my own.

summer vacation

The tickets are purchased.
The dates are set.
It looks like I am heading "home" to Alaska in a few weeks.
Going to see some old friends.
Going to revisit a few childhood haunts.
I have ashes to spread that I've been hanging on to for far too long that I promised myself I would return home the next time I went back.

It should be fun. Lord knows I need the rest.

Daddy's Girl through and through....

He called this morning and he is sick. I'm worried about him. He would probably get mad at me if I went into details on the net so that's all I will say.

It sort of feels like I stopped moving and I can actually feel the world spinning around me right now.

I want to throw up.

Four hours is not long enough to catch up...

Tuesday night we went to The Sunset to see our dear friend Matty (from Australia) who has not been back to Seattle since his visit 8 years ago. His band Death Mattel played a really cute set. (I forgot to get a CD, Doh!)
We had dinner and tried to catch up speed reading style. It was really great to see him.
He promised he would be back in November. I told him I would see him in November of 2016, maybe he can meet my grandchildren...